Thursday, November 21, 2013

Moustache Maintenance

Guest blogger: Percy Tew's moustache

Hello friends, you may remember me from my previous ‘guest blog’ (Moustache Musings).  I have been invited by Wakefield Museums to instruct Movember moustache wearers on how to maintain perfect facial hair.
If you do not recall my previous moustache musings, allow me to introduce myself.  I am the bushy bristles residing on the upper lip of the venerable banker Percy Tew.
The venerable banker Percy Tew and I
I am here to instruct all you fine gentlemen on the best way to care for your whiskers.  As you can see, Mr Percy Tew keeps me in fine fettle - perfectly shaped, bushy, dignified yet manly. Even if I do say so myself I am a fine example of facial hair.

Let us start with shaving. First and foremost you must invest in the best razors you can afford.  I recommend razors made by Sheffield cutlers Joseph Rodgers (they were granted a royal warrant in 1822 - so quality is guaranteed).  Mr Tew uses this luxury set.  Each razor is inscribed with a day of the week.  This allows the blade to ‘rest’ between shavings keeping it sharp and in tip top condition.  There is a new invention that has recently come onto the market - the safety razor - I am yet to be convinced of its ability to give a close shave; I believe it to be a flash in the pan.
Mr Tew's luxury razor set
In order to create a good thick and bushy moustache I would recommend the use of ‘Bears Grease’.  This amazing product, made from the fat of the brown bear mixed with beef marrow and perfume, creates a good thick strand, and I think you will agree that it has delivered those results for Mr Tew.  Bears' Grease is an exclusive product, so those of you who do not enjoy the financial benefits that banking brings to a man, you can make your own version by mixing suet with beef marrow.  Now add scents to your pleasure.  May I suggest oil of lavender or a touch of oil of thyme?

Now that you have achieved bushy strands you must strive to ensure that your moustache remains in perfect shape.  This can be done with the liberal application of moustache wax and frequent brushing with a moustache brush.  You can see below an example of a fine moustache brush.  I would also recommend the use of a moustache snood.  This rather clever invention is a wide length of lightweight fabric (ask your dear wives to source this for you) cut to accommodate the nose, worn over the head at night.  You wake in the morning to a perfectly formed moustache. 
I will now tackle a rather delicate matter. For those of you who are entering the later stages of life and your once resplendent dark hair is on the turn to a paler grey, there is a solution.  This miraculous recipe will have you looking like a young man again.  It works on all hair types.
Take 3 parts of litharge and 2 of quicklime, both in an impalpable powder, and mix them carefully. When used, a portion of the powder is mixed with hot water or milk, and applied to the hair, the part being afterwards enveloped in oil-skin, or a cabbage-leaf, for 4 or 5 hours.
No one will ever notice, that I can guarantee.
Dear friends I have imparted my most agreeable tips for the perfect moustache. I send my deepest regard to those of you who are sporting facial hair in the name of Movember.
Let me add that the good people at Wakefield Museum are hosting a splendid event in celebration of men’s hair on Wednesday 27 November 5.00 – 7.30pm.  I implore you to call in and experience the grand entertainment.

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