Guest blogger: Percy Tew's moustache |
Hello friends, you may remember me from my previous ‘guest
blog’ (Moustache Musings). I have been invited by Wakefield
Museums to instruct Movember moustache wearers on how to maintain perfect
facial hair.
If you do not recall my previous moustache musings, allow me
to introduce myself. I am the bushy
bristles residing on the upper lip of the venerable banker Percy Tew. The venerable banker Percy Tew and I |
I am here to instruct all you fine gentlemen on the best way
to care for your whiskers. As you can
see, Mr Percy Tew keeps me in fine fettle - perfectly shaped, bushy, dignified
yet manly. Even if I do say so myself I am a fine example of facial hair.
Let us start with shaving. First and foremost you must
invest in the best razors you can afford.
I recommend razors made by Sheffield cutlers Joseph Rodgers (they were
granted a royal warrant in 1822 - so quality is guaranteed). Mr Tew uses this luxury set. Each razor is inscribed with a day of the
week. This allows the blade to ‘rest’
between shavings keeping it sharp and in tip top condition. There is a new invention that has recently
come onto the market - the safety razor - I am yet to be convinced of its
ability to give a close shave; I believe it to be a flash in the pan.
Mr Tew's luxury razor set |
In order to create a good thick and bushy moustache I would recommend
the use of ‘Bears Grease’. This amazing
product, made from the fat of the brown bear mixed with beef marrow and
perfume, creates a good thick strand, and I think you will agree that it has
delivered those results for Mr Tew.
Bears' Grease is an exclusive product, so those of you who do not enjoy the
financial benefits that banking brings to a man, you can make your own version
by mixing suet with beef marrow.
Now add scents to your pleasure.
May I suggest oil of lavender or a touch of oil of thyme?
Now that you have achieved bushy strands you must strive to
ensure that your moustache remains in perfect shape. This can be done with the liberal application
of moustache wax and frequent brushing with a moustache brush. You can see below an example of a fine
moustache brush. I would also recommend
the use of a moustache snood. This
rather clever invention is a wide length of lightweight fabric (ask your dear
wives to source this for you) cut to accommodate the nose, worn over the head
at night. You wake in the morning to a
perfectly formed moustache.
I will now tackle a rather delicate matter. For those of you
who are entering the later stages of life and your once resplendent dark hair
is on the turn to a paler grey, there is a solution. This miraculous recipe will have you looking
like a young man again. It works on all
hair types.
Take 3 parts of litharge and 2 of quicklime, both in an impalpable
powder, and mix them carefully. When used, a portion of the powder is mixed with
hot water or milk, and applied to the hair, the part being afterwards enveloped
in oil-skin, or a cabbage-leaf, for 4 or 5 hours.
No one will ever notice, that I can guarantee.
Dear friends I have imparted my most agreeable tips for the
perfect moustache. I send my deepest regard to those of you who are sporting facial
hair in the name of Movember.
Let me add that the good people at Wakefield Museum are
hosting a splendid event in celebration of men’s hair on Wednesday 27 November
5.00 – 7.30pm. I implore you to call in
and experience the grand entertainment.
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